This is a highly contrasted version of my original novel: “The Forever War” (which was shamelessly stolen by Joe Haldeman before I was even born. But when I wrote the novel I had no idea his book even existed. And if you compare the two you shall see how very, VERY different they are.)
After the complaints I got from ever having posted that anywhere, I shall re-write it so as to make it a bit more socially acceptable. Hopefully the ‘depressing’ characteristics will all be stomped out while I butcher my work for faceless internet profiles that have become so flustered by my writing styles.
Well, here it goes:

A beam over head came out of seemingly nowhere. There was very limited visibility. The sun was far off in the distance. Earth: the final battle ground. The sun was going supernova and was only decades away from bursting into a huge orb of flame and smite. Yet fighters littered the ground. Each one with hopes, dreams, and values. Each with responsibility. The beam whizzed by quickly and was already out of sight. He was fighting for what he had left. The rat race had began, and everyone wanted a way home. War was the only result. But such motivation only made the soldiers that much more desperate. Values were non-existent. The conscious died when they were told: “The earth don’t have much time left, get out while you can.” They fight not for themselves, but for their families and friends. For everything they knew, the most extreme version of trying to preserve what little they can of their own style of life. Everyone tried their hardest to survive, but as soon as they realized how lost their situation was they happily died. What was the point of killing someone else if they could survive either way? At least not when you’re about to die. Values are lost and gained so easily to these rhetorical soldiers that know what is on the stake. Each with a story, and each sharing the same goal. But they can only share it as a want, and a dream. A rocket launcher infantry shot just as he was killed from behind causing a ship to burst in a large explosion. Igniting all the ships near it. Three fighter pilots race to save the ships they can, but are caught in the explosion. The two sides are equally matched. A shrill scream as a suit is punctured by the short blast from a gun. Scraping the edges of a soldier in the middle of slicing through fighters with a machine gun. Blood and gut are sucked out violently from the small tear, until finally his body burst in side his suit. His helmet cracks as blood expands nervously and then sits stirring inside. Slowly being siphoned out by the vacuum of the peaceful space. Glissaning and twinkling innocently in the dark sky, that was once so blue. A battleship lands to lay down reinforcements but slips on the ice and runs head long into the troops that were to welcome the new help. Blood spills out feverously and begins sticking to the nearest object. Balls of flame rise upwards. Contained seeking whatever fuel they can find before quickly diminishing.
It was the first time most of the men had seen blood and fire in zero Gs. To be more accurate, it wasn’t zero Gs. It was the normal one G or earths normal gravity. The only real difference was the vacuum that now consumed the earth. The enemy troops were gone, by their own easy mistake.
There were few left after the long fight. Everyone had so much to fight for, so they all fought hard. And because of that there were so very many dead. What is it to be a soldier? It is to fight, and win in the long run. Fight for the big picture how ever your commander tells you to. And his commander will tell him what to do. And the politicians and propaganda are what’s on top of them. But what when all the soldiers die? What when the forces are equal, fighting for the same thing? Dieing for the same reasons? Does that still mean a war, or is there some other definition describing the decay of a population through the effort of trying to sustain what little you can with what little you have. Fighting for everyone around you. Fighting for not what you think it right, but for what you know is true. For what everyone knows is true. One of the small balls of fire turns into a spark and lights the soldier running away from the bloodshed. He ignites and his gun starts firing bullets uncontrollably. The bullets hit a nearby safe guard loading solders. The bullet ricochets inside the ship until finally it apparently hit the sweet spot. The ship explodes into a large orange cloud of smoke and fire. Shrapnel impales many of the close by soldiers. The rest are left to run out of oxygen. They all fought so hard, but it all ended in a second. For some, several agonizing seconds.
But don’t you agree, it’s better for such rhetorical soldiers to die.

Das Ende.


The original was mainly focusing on one man, the only man to survive the battle above. The whole book focused on his psychological troubles that occur while he fights for the glory and honor of not dieing horrifically.
Last time I got a lot of complaints about this title, but let me know what you guys think. If this gets good reviews I will rewrite the novle only it will be about Enoch and all of his troubles while fighting as a "rhetorical soldeir." I actually loved it, it was my favorite novel by far. However I guess that at the time (about one or two years ago) no body was "ready" for it. So I'll see the reaction to this and decide what to do next.

It's a different way to start off a novel, but I like it. I think it's pretty good, and I like the "rhetorical soldier.' thing. I think you misspelled a few things, but other then that, it was great. :good:
I only wonder how it would continue on, is it going to be a post-apocolptyic kind of thing, with the psychology in it? Or something else?

It will just be about one character's exprience though the war.
You learn things as he does or things are explained to you.
he goes through VERY deep depressions due to the war and is constantly dieing in silly ways, but they always replace whatever it is that "broke" and send him right back into battle.
And after "dieing" so many times he just plain goes insane with his own lonelyness and hatrid twords fighting.
This is one of the few novels i've written that I still stand by as proud of.

I see, it's an interesting idea, I'd like to see more of that.

Should I continue with the above?
Or should I write it like it was before, where one soldier survived and was reborn as the posterboy for all of the rhetorical soldeirs.

And I'm sorry if I'm overusing rhetorical solderis, but I like how well that term describes what's going on in the story. I can't think of any other words or phrases to describe it so well.

Well, you're the auother so it is your final decison, while I think both ways would be good to go, I kind of like that one about one characters experience through the war a bit better.

Indeed.
I'll get started on that tonight.

I swear I'll get to reading this soon! But..

Damn Russians!

>.>
Yes, those damned terrorist nazi mexican-loving tree-hugging russians..........
We should make them illegal.

but my cousin is Russian...>.> and I'll get around to reading the rest of the story tomorrow XD I've only read half...

Well, I started writing and got a good 300 pages under my belt.
So then I deleted it.

I'm deciding not to re-write this.

300 pages :blink: . . . the most I'll write a day is 10 pages, anyway I decided to just drop that other story, had no ideas to connect everything, so I'm just going to continue writing my other two. I'll eventually post them up here, oh and Thome, could you add your original story in here then? since you aren't going to re-write it?

I already deleted my original a while ago.

And no anyway, because most of what I write isn't meant for other huamn's eyes.

It's best that you think i'm just a damned lyer, and that I actually don't write at all.

Well, I read the version you sent me on MSN.

The grammatical issues are terribly abundant and really affect the flow of the story. Work on your organization. Vary your sentence structure a little more. Use more colorful language--don't try to be so cryptic. I could edit textbook errors for you, but it's hard for me to differentiate between black/white errors and style errors.

The writing is vauge and doesn't explain much. Try to make a clearer timeline, with more obvious events and passages of time. Space out the introduction/first chapter a little more. Don't rush things. Take time to explain them in detail. Don't be afraid to waste time or effort. What else are you going to do with it? :P

The idea is creative and I can really see it taking off. You've already set up a solid base for a strong character. He has strengths, weaknesses, and clear pressure points. You can take him pretty much anywhere you want to go. The little sister bit was a nice touch. The idea of a war in which the soldiers have lost all but no motivation is interesting and insightful. It's a good commentary on the human condition and basic human nature.

I won't pretend to be familiar with your style, but this does seem like something you'd write, and write well. My advice is to write it all out before you even think about going back to change anything. But if you get stuck, take time to fix grammar and spelling or organization. It's a good time to get it done and sometimes you come up with ideas or inspiration as you edit.

I'm well aware of all the errors, but I don't want to correct them untill I hit on something solid.

That's for the feed-back, I'll put it to use.

Disclaimer: This is not Thome. This is his sister.


As a fanatic of minimalistic fiction. My only advice is step away from the boarderline text book style. You seem to slip into that a lot. Capture moments dynamically yet through objective eyes. And as for timelines never use them. Instead tell the reader a fact that tells them the time or even something about the character. Example: Her father was always such an asshole. Lame.
In shock and loosing blood the little girl looked at her leg. Her father walked liesurely to the scene and simply stated
"We just bought you that bike."

I love these little details that puzzle together a picture. It stimulates descriptive scenes appropriate for a book involing battles eh?

Keep up the dedication. Putting time and effort into anything is more than most people can do. Heh, look at me If this room caught on fire I'd most likely sit back and watch.