Silence.
Not total silence, but still silence. I hear some bugs outside, the washing machine running downstairs. Her breathing. Her soft, relaxed breathing. You know, being in the same room as someone who is sleeping is kind of creepy. Her body is there, but that’s all. Her mind and soul are gone somewhere else, dreaming or just resting peacefully. She’s like an empty husk, like she’s dead.
What is death? School teaches us that when a person’s heart and lungs stop, they’re dead. But can you die and still breathe? Can your soul and heart be broken, and you cease to live? I think so. After you lose your heart, there isn’t anything left to live for.
Why is life so great? It’s a miracle, I hear. But it’s just a series of joys and hurts, continuing until the day we die. What’s the point? I don’t see one.
It’s dark in the room, but not black. The black of a room with all the lights off is different from the black behind our eyes. Black paint isn’t the same as what you see looking into a deep hole. No, one is true nothingness. The black behind our eyelids isn’t a black that absorbs all color and reflects none. That black is the absence of color and light all together. Close your eyes, and look closely. Is it really just black? Do you see a hint of green or red? I hear a sound and snap my eyes open.
She’s coughing. I hold still. Does she know? What I’m planning? How could she? I put my hand under my pillow to see if it’s still there. I feel cold metal against my fingers and relax. It’s still here. Her coughs are subsiding. I roll over in my bed. I’m getting restless. I feel under my pillow again, and this time my hand hits paper. I smile, and take out the envelope. First is a note not from me, but to me.
My dear, it reads.
I love you. You are a part of me, you make me whole. I would be with you forever if I could. I want to always be there for you, my love.
My eyes start to tear up. I wipe them, and continue reading.
But…
There’s always a but. With everything that makes me happy comes something that ruins it all. Anger sparks inside me. I continue.
But I love her, too. I need her just as much. I know it’s wrong, but I need both of you. She makes me happy, she makes me laugh. She’s cute, smart, funny… So are you, but I need her. When she’s sad, I need to help her. When she’s happy, I’m happy. I love her. And if you can’t take that…then I can’t take you. This is hard, because I do love you… But I need both, and if it’s you or her, then I choose…her. I’m sorry. Goodbye.
Each word hits me in a flash of pain. I’ve read this before; I know every word by heart. But reading it again brings it all to the surface, and I start to cry. They keep hitting me, the words and pictures flashing through my mind.
It hurts so much… Why does it hurt? Because I love him. Because I want him to love me. He said he does, and maybe he did, when he wrote this. But I don’t think he does anymore. Once I was gone, I was gone. There’s no room for me anymore. Just her.
It’s strange. I’m losing two things that are important to me… Two loves, a boy and a girl. I love both of them equally, and yet they have no love for me. I am abandoned and left to watch them, alone and empty. It hurts so much to see them together. Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be him? What sort of cruel fate am I doomed to? Will I always be like this, with this empty, hungry feeling inside?
I’m ready. It’s time, I can’t wait any longer. It’s all her fault. Everything is because of her. All her. I hurt, I’m angry... I need to let the anger out. Cutting won’t do it anymore, I need more…
I slide out of my bed, wincing as my foot slips and makes a soft thud on the floor. I stand completely still, but her breathing is as steady as before. I crouch down and pull the can out from under my bed, and slide the lighter into my pocket. I tiptoe over to her bed, and silently as I can, unscrew the top of the bottle. I let a little fluid trickle onto the carpet, and I try to suppress a giggle. I’m doing it. I’m finally doing it.
I continue to walk a circle around her bed, letting a little fuel trickle out of the can, just enough to make a ring. I don’t want to waste it. After the ring is complete, I drip a little on her bed. Then I sit, and quickly put my hand over her mouth.
She wakes, and looks at me in confusion. She can smell the gas on my hands, and can see the can in my hand. Her eyes become fearful, and I can feel her trying to talk…trying to breathe. I lean down, putting my head next to hers, and whisper breathily, “Shh... Don’t worry, now. We’ll go together. But I swear to God, if you make a sound when I move my hand, I will light you up right now, along with the rest of this god-damned house. Do I make myself clear?”
I feel her nod.
“Good,” I murmur, and let my hand slide down to her neck. “Remember… Quiet.”
She gasps, and says in a raspy voice, “Wha—what’s going on?”
“Shhh…” I say again “Not a sound.”
She snaps her mouth shut and looks at me. But her gaze has no effect. I remember what she did, what happened… I lie down next to her, and put my arm over her.
“I love you, you know... I do.” And I pour the liquid over the both of us, filling my nostrils with the irritating yet enticing scent of gasoline. She smells it too, and realizes what I have in mind. She whimpers.
“Not…a…sound…” I repeat, and squeeze her neck. She goes silent.
I pull the lighter out of my pocket, striking a spark. I try it again, and manage to hold a steady flame. It shakes with my hand, and I grab the rag from my other pocket, setting that ablaze. I drop it onto the ring of gas. I hear it catch, and smell the flames, feel the heat. I hug her close, laying my face against hers.
I can see the flames now. I see her shut her eyes, and I do the same. It won’t be long now before it reaches us.
I feel her shaking in my arms, sobbing. I start to cry myself. Not from fear of dying. I’m long past that. I think of what I had with him, what we had. I think of what we have. Then I think of what we could have had, if it hadn’t been for her. I squeeze her again, now my whole body is shaking. The bed is on fire now. I pull myself over her, and I hold her tight, whispering to her again.
“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry…”
The heat is unbearable. I didn’t know it would be this hot. It’s so hot… It hurts. I pull myself up, put my head above hers. I look at her one last time, filling my eyes with her face. Then I close them, and put my lips to hers. Our mouths are both so dry. The fire is taking it all…Good. But it’s hot. I want to scream, but instead I just bite down on her lip, making it bleed. She squirms under me, trying to make me let go. But I keep my hold on her, tasting the salty blood mingling with the last of our saliva, tears streaming down my cheeks. She tries to push me off, and I break off the kiss. I gasp for air, but most of it is gone, burned up. It reaches me, and catches my leg. I squeeze her tighter. I need more air. But it’s all gone… I fall, and everything goes black. My last thought: I love you, you goddamn buttf*cker.
Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. I lov this.
:haha:
Cool.. Only skimmed it but cool.
OMG THIS IS SO OLD LOL.
XD
lol
z.
(( I Bumped the oldst topics in a few places ))